With-In
The wild squirrel of defence that gets in the way of internal reflection and recalibration and some ways to tame it.
With-In
With-In: To be WITH what is IN.
I have a feeling this might need to be a series of pieces because it’s such a big topic and a big part of my work - Settle in for a long one
Let’s begin exploring why we go within and how surprisingly hard it can be even for those committed to the work!
With-In: To be WITH what is IN.
To go within is simply (ha!) a return to the self.
Some time and energy spent on turning ones gaze inward
To listen.
To explore.
To unearth.
To remember.
To understand.
To accept
To recalibrate
And eventually perhaps to choose to take informed steps with this remembering.
Sneaky Patterns
I recently caught myself in a sneaky squirrelly pattern of avoiding working with something that I know is an issue for me.
This pattern of avoidance (that I didn’t even know I had deployed) was so squirrelly that it looked very much like wisdom and thoughtfulness and actually dealing with the issue - but really it was the cleverness of my mind doing a big old distract and divert.
I see this in the somatic work I do with others, on the table, in the circles, online.
We know when something is calling our attention
An experience, a therapeutic practice, a programme, or just because we understand that it is time now.
For me on this occasion the call within was in attending the beautiful magical expansive Breathe: A Festival of Life gathering in August. Being in the facilitator team, feeling the community, being in the energetic work field, doing my work, alongside others doing their work cracked something open in me that invited my attention.
And then - the detail of what happens in this invitation is currently at the forefront for me as I prepare to co-host a series of somatic workshops on the south coast with Karen De Souza called… you guessed it… “With-In”*
And we may even have a strong willingness to go there.
So we just turn towards it right?
Well, no, not always, for multiple reasons actually, some of which are because the defence mechanisms are sophisticated beyond measure.
Here are some examples you might recognise.
- There may not genuinely be the time and space to tend to it.
This can sometimes happen in one to one sessions where the focus needs to be with the client. We may not have the space to allow our own process in that moment.
- With-In work takes time and energy and must be protected. We teach our Sacred Somatic Journeys students to carve out time after sessions to be with what has arisen for them and to allow it airtime as a key part of the work.
- That said, we can also make ourselves busy to avoid or - more common, because we are all so bloody busy anyway, turn to our existing overflowing to do list and suddenly go at it with a renewed vigour.
- A version of this is creating noise and drama where there was none. Beginning to over focus on something that really wasn’t a problem a week before.
- Another version is to suddenly get interested in a podcast or TV series or orator or teacher that we deep dive into that world for a while
- For those who are conditioned to serve. To caretake, for those for whom survival meant being helpful - such a good girl - to withdraw from the needs of others and turn the gaze inwards can be like trying to turn a tide.
- My own version of this is to start to proactively become the “helpful friend” getting involved in supporting them when I may not really have the capacity. It’s an avoidance.
- Returning to the self can come with fear, guilt, shame even
“What if I don’t find anything here”
“What if I find something I don’t like”
“What if I have to face that thing AGAIN”
- We can get very comfortable in the up and out and not feel much in the mood for the quiet, sometime dark spaces of introspection.
- It may asks us to feel things we are conditioned not to or things - things we may not yet have language for. It requires us to acknowledge the messiness and complexity of life when many of us really like to feel we have all our shit together.
- So we can talk ourselves out of its importance. We can become cynical about “all that naval gazing. We can think “we don’t need to do it anymore, or not like that, or that we have done enough”
This was part of my squirrelly avoidance in the last few weeks.
My mind somewhat convinced me that I didn’t really need to go there.
And then what happens, when we keep avoiding
In my experience, energetics come into play here.
When we are trying to avoid going within - life may come along and sort of force it upon us.
Things will fall away.
People
Jobs
Activities will get cancelled
For those with wombs, A bleed will come
A dark moon
A health condition - I am currently required to literally cover my eyes for a particular tear duct treatment - 3 times a week of forced inwardness.
It gets to the point where there is a such a sort of fidgeting in the system.
A knowing that to put it off forever may have consequences.
And in the end it can be the smallest thing that nudges the door open.
When the fidgeting finally stops.
The other day I was walking and I felt the tendrils of autumn reaching into the summer haze. Lammas. The harvest, ripe plums, an amber leaf amongst the green and suddenly I was able to connect to it.
What I am avoiding is a loss, a grieving, an ending of something I have clung to internally for many years.
And so I began
to go within, with intention.
And here is what I know about that.
1) We do not have to do it alone.
Often it is so much less gritty to do it with others / held by others (that have consented to fulfill that role)
2) We will need the tools we have acquired to let it move.
3) And the tools to hold it.
4) And the most love for the parts of ourself that ran the pattern in the first place and then resisted looking at it.
Self punishment has no place here. It will just apply further grip when really we are being invited to open, my love.
Go gently.
One final thing -
Not everyone is called to introspection. And whilst some wear it as a badge of honour it is important to remember that it is just one aspect of living a good life. There is no criticism here of those who choose never to reflect. Or of those who choose to park it a while and just be up and out.
We all are here to live life in a way that makes sense to us.
Much love
Cat x
And if you want to know more about my work - head to catmoyle.com
**Aside - it seems to be a phenomena that as soon as you decide to teach on something you - get worked by it (more on this another day) so you know Karen and I below are IN it ready to support you WITH it.
